I have already written several posts about how difficult junior year has been. It has challenged me socially, emotionally, academically, and professionally. I have not talked a lot about the backstory behind all of this. I still really won’t but will provide more context about who I am. I have learned more about myself than ever before. I realize just how strong and how capable I am.
For the emotional aspect, I am finally learning how to put myself first. Throughout my life, I always cared so much about what other people thought about me. I always valued their opinion more than my own. I was afraid that I would be looked down upon or judged for my actions. However, now I have a different mindset. I am 2000 miles away from my family and friends. The whole point is that I could receive a better education to have a chance at a more successful future. I know much how hard my parents worked to help get me here. I am so fortunate. The whole point of college is to discover who I am and build a professional foundation.
I don’t want anything in college to distract me from my goal. I made the mistake of falling head over heels in love with a guy during my sophomore year. Even though my grades were better than ever during that semester, I was emotionally distracted. He influenced my actions and lifestyle. I lost a part of who I was. I changed myself to accommodate him in my life. Rediscovering myself again is the hardest thing I have ever done. Three months later, I am still unclear who I am. I realized that I can never be the girl I was before. I am someone new now with new values and priorities. I know better than to lose myself again. My closest friends have witnessed the change I have undergone. They are my rock (you know who you are). Some days are definitely better than others.
I have had to use several different coping methods such as binge-watching TV shows, retail therapy, reading, and writing. Motivational quotes on instagram and Pinterest definitely help as well. The most useful method I have discovered is hanging out with other people. Every weekend during junior year, I have made plans just so I don’t have to experience the feeling of being alone. There is an important difference between being lonely and being alone. I don’t feel lonely because I have a huge support group of friends and family who make me laugh and smile every day.
However, when I am alone, I sometimes lose myself again. It is hard for me because that is when I start to overthink. I am so grateful that I have a wonderful support group with people all around the world who take the time to listen to me and help me through problems.
I realized that over the past few months that no matter what the only person that can help you is you. I thought that I could just throw myself into work and school. I discovered that I cannot run away from the problems forever. Eventually, I have to come to terms with the changes in my life. I have to know what I want first before I let someone else back into my life again. I have to emotionally stable and comfortable enough with myself. I don’t want that person to have all the power to change my life again.
I learned a ton from my first relationship. The most critical lesson is that I have to learn how to focus on myself. I hope you can take this lesson and apply it to your life in different settings.